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(Excerpted from the book "Professional Stool Sampler Looking For Place To Sit: A Collection of Personal Ads From Alternative Newspapers," by Skippy Williams and Zohre Crumpton, (c) 1996, Simon and Schuster.)"I am spitting kitty.
Baby, you are my Tijuana Taxi.""Me -- trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you -- choking on my odor, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. I am not looking for sex and thier is no money involved.
If you’re not quite as verbose as Stephen Fry, you may want to ask a friend to read your message though before you send it.
You’ve received a wink, email or instant message because the other person wants to get to know you better, but that doesn’t mean that they want to hear all your woes and problems.
Soup is good food.""I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. Some willingness to assist with basic bodily functions required. *sigh*MWM, 73, looking for SWF 18-35 for an intimate encounter with my wife and myself in a threesome. The things she does with her teeth are out of this world, too, especially when their in her mouth.
) in search of bottlenosed dolphin and extra prickly cactus juice. No tongue."*******************************************************************If you want more, just let me know!!! here goes:"Neurotic midget with collection of warning labels seeks someone whose grave he can dance on after the Apocalypse. Look me in the eye and snap a z.""There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them.""Mmmm, Pez! SJM 27 wants to look someone in the eye so don't be tall. No freaks."****I think the last one is my favorite! seeking svelte, kinky sex vixen for impossible fantasy roleplay. Sure, her tits drag on the carpet till her nipples bleed and she had to lift them and her belly out of the way just to sit down, but she's beautiful.
No mimes.""Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums. Must enjoy open-air activities and prefer spending time alone as a couple. ) and lets rumble on to the log slide of love to ride the ol skin boat to tuna town. Best ad I've seen today (by a man):"I love to clean, I know it sounds unusual but the reason I like to clean is I like to please.
Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. Must wear size five shoes.""Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no identifying scars, any age. Recommend appreciation of high-pitched, screeching noises. Gentle, middle-aged teddy bear with unfortunate flatulence challenge seeking olfaction-impaired ourdoors girl for good times and possible matrimony. Onto the bike, Beeyotch, grab hold (you know where!
In this article, we’ll show you fool-proof answers which are sure to get the ball rolling when it comes to dating.Stories about when you fainted in front of George Clooney and held a tarantula in Oz will make for excellent conversation starters when you get to meet your date in person, so save them for that moment!Being ultra-careful about spelling and grammar will highlight your intelligence as well as the care you have taken in sending the message.Answer honestly, clearly and concisely and show that you’re interested by asking them a few questions, too.Whilst it’s important that your reply allows someone the chance to get to know more about you beyond what’s written in your profile, it’s also important to keep things short and sweet.
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