Of dating for women
“Even if a guy treats you poorly,” she says, “they often come back to you wanting you to reassure them that they’re still good people. So not only do you have to accept that your needs are not being met, you have to then go and make a man feel good about himself.” Now, because men can’t seem to hack interpersonal relationships, Paola identifies her friendships as her primary relationships—and she doesn’t see that changing.
My friend Shana, a 31-year-old graphic designer, had a similar wakeup call in the summer.
Judith Taylor, a professor at the University of Toronto’s Women & Gender Studies Institute who researches women and friendship, says women’s renewed focus on community over men is a pragmatic choice.
The first time someone faded me, I did not take it well.
I sent the male in question untold number of reproachful, schoolmarmish texts. I told him over tiny chalices of flora-laden water laced with gin that I understand anxiety and would try to support him through it, but that regardless of the reason, I couldn’t be involved with tepid men. My distress wasn’t merely about having been rejected, though that was part of it.
I ranted to my friends until they couldn’t take it anymore. He said okay, mewed an apology and insisted we keep seeing each other. The shock came from the fact that I had taken such pains to clearly articulate what it was I needed, had invited him to have an open conversation and then ended up being entirely disregarded. Alongside the wage gap and the emotional labour gap, the antics of softboys, f-ckboys, fading and ghosting constitute a pronounced communication gap. Regardless of whether the circumstances involve just hooking up or the potential for a relationship, men are ignoring what women are asking for.
Later the same week, when the brother of a man I’d slept with months before invited me to a games night attended mainly by people who were strangers to me, I went. People of all genders are guilty of bad behaviour, but women are taught from childhood that they need to monitor and be responsible for other people’s feelings. They don’t care if we get off, and they don’t care if our feelings get hurt.
When he saw her, he proceeded to in order to avoid being accountable for his lie. It was raining, so she asked her date whether they could meet closer to her house, since she was walking and he was driving.