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They both, to some degree, got what they needed without having to give up what they wanted.
Before I met each man I would ask: “Why are you doing this? What surprised me was that these husbands weren’t looking to have more sex. I met one man whose wife had implicitly consented to her husband having a lover because she was no longer interested in sex, at all.This is dicey because you can’t always control emotional attachments when body chemicals mix, but with the married men I guessed that the fact that they had wives, children and mortgages would keep them from going overboard with their affections. They didn’t get overly attached, and neither did I. In a couple of cases, the men I met were married to women who had become disabled and could no longer be sexual, but the husbands remained devoted to them.All told I communicated with maybe a dozen men during that time in my life, and had sex with fewer than half.If you read the work of Esther Perel, the author of the recently published book “State of Affairs,” you’ll learn that, for many wives, sex outside of marriage is their way of breaking free from being the responsible spouses and mothers they have to be at home. For them, adventure wasn’t the main reason for their adultery.The first time I saw my favorite married man pick up his pint of beer, the sleeve of his well-tailored suit pulled back from his wrist to reveal a geometric kaleidoscope of tattoos.
I don’t want to be afraid of talking honestly about my sex life with the man I’m married to, and that includes being able to at least raise the subject of sex outside of marriage.”“Good luck with that!